Friday, November 30, 2012


i have something to say:

one month and 10 days since my last cigarette. yay to my second attempt in quitting.

funny thing is i still carry around the last pack with me wherever i go, but i don't smoke it. i think i have about 10 sticks left and its all expired. sometimes i think its like trophy for me to stop smoking that is why i carry it around. i don't know if it makes sense, but yeah i know it's disgusting, but no way, i'm not going to throw it away. not now, at least.

its 2.43am and i typed and backspaced alot of things. my purpose here wasn't to blog about being clean, it was something else. it was something along the lines of love and dreams, but i realized it was too personal for me. another time.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

2012: about myself

its kinda hard to go back to blogging after months of not putting anything down here. no, i'm not blogging today because i have a relationship problem. i'm blogging today because i missed reading blogs. you know, like REAL blogs. those kinda blogs written with lots of emotion and depressing thoughts and an obscure sense of humor. all around i see act-hipster no-meaning photos, bragging your so-called fucken rich life in events, bragging that you are good friends with a designer or some shit like that, bragging about your friends even though they are nobodies just like you, bragging... bragging... bragging. i'm not jealous, nor that it affects me in any way, its just that your life is very pretentious, you know. i hate reading about your bragging.

okay anyway, a lot of things have happened this year. ...about 20 minutes were gone as i was thinking about the things that happened this year because i kinda forgot so, i went to facebook and i got distracted by the photos of my nieces and nephew which reminds me of how much i miss them. my cousin from the states visited us two months ago. she brought her husband and kids and they stayed here for about seven weeks (except for her husband and one kid, gabby. they stayed about two weeks and then had to go back because her husband had to go to work and gabby, is from a different father, so, it was her father's turn to take her. her father is a strict man. he goes by the laws, but from his facebook, i can tell, that gabby is his world.) my cousin is 11 years older than me and she already has a teenage daughter! i love her kids, my nieces and nephew. the girls are all sooo beautiful and there is a really handsome baby boy. makes me want to have my own kids. i can't wait to have mine. i will hug and kiss and love my baby everyday.

speaking of babies, my parents have been pressuring me about marriage. yes, and i do want to get married. i gave up on being that career-first bullshit kinda person. this is not because i have a dead-end job (which i know, i do). i gave up on it because i found true love and adventure. i realized that: so what you went into a university? you're still struggling at work. your boss is an ass. your boss'es boss is an ass too. man, education  is not cheap too. so what you work in a big company, you're still stuck in a traffic jam and you're still squeezing in the train wishing you could spray your favorite perfume at everyone. you can only not complain if you have a helicopter. i realized that you can never be truly happy with your job unless, you are a CEO or something. and how do you become a CEO? i never knew. i think its luck. like winning lottery.

i think love is important. i fall in love so bad. so so so bad. that kinda love which makes your heart expands. i can't describe it, really. its like what you read in books and poems and music. so much emotion, so much feelings and love. and then there are the fights. it can go really bad, until you can't sleep at night. and then, there is the really sad apologies and the kiss and make up. its not like ordinary love. its extraordinary. like his heart is with me and my heart is with him. god, that was cheesy. i suddenly remembered the poem by e.e. cummings. years ago, i read this poem and i thought it was a sweet poem about love. now, when i read the poem, it pulls me. it gives me goosebumps.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

yup, that's it. i love Matt. more than anything.

and i am so glad that i've done some travelling for the past couple of years. and now saving money for some more travelling to come. i love to see the world. it makes me feel alive. new discoveries just make me so happy. i was awed when i experienced the most beautiful sunset in krabi, when that cable car suddenly shifted and mount fuji was in view oh my god, i remembered i gasped. and i was so taken aback by the beauty of the halls when i entered the cologne cathedral in germany. i have never seen walls, floors and ceilings that are so intricate and beautiful. and to be having these adventures with the person you love the most, is really amazing. i couldn't ask for more. its perfect, to me. alot of self-discovery and learning and appreciating new cultures. its really REALLY amazing. this is never going to stop.

i guess this is my life now. i'm saving money for marriage, for my future-home and for travels. i hope to have kids in a few years time. oh, and i hope to get a new home soon with Matt. i have so much ideas for our new home. really need all the luck in this housing department.

so much has changed after all these time. if you asked me five or six years ago, ALL these are not what i had in mind. its funny how things turned out. very unexpected. i know its a difficult world out there. as long as i have love and i am happy, i know i'll be okay.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

i realised i only blog when i feel upset with my boyfriend. well, i've decided to take it down... YA DIDN'T GET TO SEE THAT ONE DID YAAAA?!! hahaha i'm okay now.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask what I give to you
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Like a distant tree
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

- "Volcano", Damien Rice

Monday, April 02, 2012

I am in Disneysea in Tokyo right now. I am queuing up for a roller coaster ride called journey to the centre of the earth. It has already been an hour and a half and I'm still queuing. The Japanese they LOVE to queue. I queued up to enter a sushi bar, I queued up to enter trains, I queued up to buy a crepe, I queued up to buy potato chips and I've been queuing up at every single ride down here. Everyone here looks fine queuing. If I were to have a bitch fit it would be so unfair to everyone here so, I shall just patiently wait...

Queuing is boring. Oh yeah, Tokyo is beautiful. Weather is really nice but can get incredibly cold at times and the locals, they are really nice like the Thais only that they don't speak English so its kinda hard but everything can be solve with google... yes, even translation. The only problem is everything here is so damn expensive. I don't know why, but it annoys me abit.

loving this city, by the way. :) ja'dore tokyo.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

So, please forgive what i have done.
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun.
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually,
there is nothing left to do,
but sleep....

"No Lies, Just Love" - Bright Eyes

Friday, March 16, 2012


took me about three months to complete all 6 seasons of LOST. i must say, the best drama tv series OF ALL TIME. i love the show so much. i love all the characters in the show. i never thought that i would like it, but my god, it blew my mind away. almost every single episode i watched, i had my mind blown, seriously.

when LOST first came out i was like "this show is really boring and confusing.." and i thought grey's anatomy was so much better. i never completed all the seasons of grey's. i stopped at the season where izzy has cancer, but she was still working at the hospital.. never knew what happened after that. and then i started watching gossip girl. first season was alright, second was okay and then it just got shit. fucked up.. made me realised how much i hate gossip girl. blake lively is really pretty and even some of the rest of the girls, except taylor momsen. i hate that bitch. born in the 1990s and like act like she's so cool and shit like this another pretentious piece of shit girl i know. 90210 sucked too.

i guess the only tv series that i ever completed were dexter and LOST. what made me started watching LOST was this episode of it which was showing on cable. it was called The Constant. its the fifth episode in season 4. its about desmond and he time-traveled between 2004 and 1996. i had no clue about anything, but after watching that episode i was like "i have to watch LOST" and then thats when the journey started...

AND THEN I BECAME SUCH A FAN!!!!! i love to youtube about the cast of LOST and i googled screencaps of my favourite episodes. still can't believe it has ended.. i love LOST!

i was abit unsatisfied with the ending... because there were still questions and mysteries that were left unanswered, but other than that, it was still great because they were all together again and there was soooo much love...

so thats it :( LOST is over. matt downloaded for me Person's of Interest. i wanted to watch it because there was ben linus in it. yeah, i like ben... but my favourite will always be....